Thursday, February 2, 2012

If You Looked.....

If you looked into my home, you'd see a cozy place full of love, 2 teenaged kids, and 4 spoiled dogs.
You would see at least 50 lamps on, as well as every light in every room.
Am I scared…NO, I just really love lamps and my kids don’t know how to turn off a light. J
The first thing you would lay eyes on is an antique telephone booth with a working telephone. Why? Because I love it.
You would see furniture inside the house of what “I thought I was supposed to have” in a certain kind of home, but in the garage you would find all kinds of furniture “I want living inside my home”.
Most of it found thrown in the trash, or given away to goodwill, just waiting for a person like me to turn it from their trash to my treasure.
Down a long hallway you would see a huge wall full of pictures of everything from my kids, family, my aunt and uncle (the real life notebook love story) to complete strangers, old headstones, and walking trails. Basically anything that catches my eye and I see art. If you were looking closely you would see remnants of a wall that had just been plastered from a pipe that busted, and a closet with no carpet, due to water damage. (Concrete is not so comfy, or warm to get dressed on)
If you looked into my office, You would see a place set up for which I thought I would spend most of my time; instead it has become a catchall room. “ My office” is actually the entire upstairs which I have transformed into my sewing, crafting, journaling, quiet Bible time, life coaching, blogging J, antique dish storage, TV watching, coffee drinking retreat. I seriously live upstairs.
 You'd see 4 laptops, several glasses (remember I won’t drink out of the same glass twice), lots of blankets, too many throw pillows, my old antique phonograph with my collection of 78 records that takes me back to another time, a empty frig, waiting for me to restock for the kiddos, movie watching junk food, yes more lamps, and always close by, my cell phone, laptop charger and phone charger. But if you looked past all of that you would see me, or the me, I want to be. You would see that my mind is racing all day with incredible ideas, goals, and dreams that I am constantly trying to put together. You would see all my passions, loves, and things that make me smile. You would see piles of hobbies, which is a lot because my hobbies change hourly, and sometimes you would see a “life is awesome, I want to live every second as it is my last” me, and sometimes an “emotional, lonely, when is this world going to end” me. But that is ok, because life is a roller coaster, sometimes there are ups and sometimes downs, just be sure you know when to get off that roller coaster.

If you looked into my email, you'd see thousands of unopened emails, because I only read the one’s that are from people I know, or things that would interest me. I have NO idea why I don’t delete the others. Maybe I feel important with 3845 unread messages.  You would see exactly how many people have become close to me that I have never met in person.
You would see by what I Google, where I’m going to vacation, retreat, or shop all by the ads. You would see that I have 2 emails, one for my personal use and one for my clients. You would see people’s deepest secrets, biggest challenges, and saddest moments that would all make you weep. But for me they make me smile, because I am so glad they look to me to try and motivate them and make them see the life God has created for them. What you wouldn’t see anymore are forwards, funny jokes, pictures, or little messages from a friend, because who in the world would send an email when there is Facebook!

If you looked into my phone, you'd find messages and calls from the people I love most.
You'd see many pictures that my daughter takes of herself, inspirations of things I want to make, and of course my little Bella. You would see that face time is used a lot since my husband travels and
even though we are just in other rooms my daughter and I love to face chat before bed.
You'd gush about the flirtatious texts my husband sends,
and wonder if I think it's normal that I talk to my mom and sister at least 5 times a day.
You'd find that I text my kids at school all day and then wonder why they get in trouble for having their phone out. You would see most of my communication is through text with everyone I know. Then you would think, like I do quite often, what happened to the days when we actually took time to talk to someone for hours. Why are we spending so much time hiding behind a phone screen, or is less of hiding and more of the,
“ I am to busy to sit down and have a conversation with you”? Cell phones are great, in fact I don’t even have a landline, but I worry that eventually the entire world will be socially illiterate. I kind of miss the long swirly cord plugged into the wall, maybe I’ll just start going into my phone booth where I have no choice but to sit and talk.
You would also see many apps my kids have put on my phone that I have no idea how to use, but you would also see the one they wish I would delete…the Find My IPhone App….it is awesome. I can track all my loved ones anytime of the day…hehe.
If you looked into my head, you'd think I was crazy.
You'd be sure that no normal person could have as many ideas at one time like I do.
You'd see a lot of logical choices being tossed around,
and wonder why I don't listen to anything logical at all. You see the inner battle within, that little voice that speaks to you, that keeps your mind second guessing yourself, telling you that you aren’t good enough, smart enough, talented enough, tall enough, skinny enough, (you get the idea). All those insecurities that love to pop in your head, to keep you down. You would see confusion at first, of what on earth is she trying to accomplish,
But it all would make sense, because then

You'd look into my heart.
And you'd see that any fear I have, is outweighed by what I feel is right, and what God is calling me to do. You see a person who loves deeply, longs to solve everyone’s problems, is lead everyday by listening to the Holy Spirit, and wants to be an open book for all to see.
You'd see compassion, empathy, passion and you'd know that what I put my time into
really becomes who I am.
You'd wonder if it was healthy to be so wrapped up in other people's emotions, problems and insecurities
and I'd say I don't know, but God is leading me down this path and I will be obedient even when I can’t see the outcome.
But that I couldn't imagine living any other way.
And you'd see that I mean it every time that I say,
I am happy.